Straight Talk: Life from a Queer perspective

On Lu's Pharmacy

2009-07-19T15:57:38Z

(For those of you who don't know what this is about, go here)

I know everyone in the trans community has been blogging about this as of late, so I'm going to throw in my thoughts to this, too.

Lu's Pharmacy, in an effort to make their services accessible to women in an environment that is patriarchy-free, has thrown some of the most marginalized women under the bus - trans women. Let's look at this in more abstract terms. In fighting privilege, it never makes sense to marginalize a subset of the group you are intending to support, especially one that is further marginalized than the main class. Now let's look at this in more specific terms. Let's say a group that wanted to agitate for change in our societies' treatment of racial minorities, but decided to exclude, say, First Nations people. The fact is that there would be a huge uproar by the majority of the population, precisely because First Nations people are another racial minority - a marginalized group within a larger marginalized group. This scenario would be seen as so ridiculous in the context I've just given, so it seems just as ridiculous that a women's group would exclude transwomen and get away with it.

Secondly, I wonder if the leaders of Lu's Pharmacy have ever heard of the phrase "divide and conquer?" For a group that supposedly exists to fight patriarchy and marginalization, they're employing a strategy that flies in the face of common sense. Anyone who knows even a little bit about the history of war and conflict, knows that to divide your target group is the easiest way to win. And that's exactly what the fundamentalists, the anti-feminists, and the sexists are looking for - an easy way to divide women's communities. Lu's has used this same argument back at the trans community. They've essentially warned us to take a chill pill (my words) and leave Lu's alone to do their thing, and to go back to our own groups. They've cleverly tried to shift the blame back onto the trans community here, though luckily no one's buying it. The fact is, it's easy for them to say such a thing, when, relatively speaking, they are the privileged group. I want to be clear here, I'm not saying ciswomen are not marginalized here - because they certainly are marginalized - but that trans women carry the marginalization both for being women AND being trans. And here Lu's Pharmacy has just perpetuated that marginalization. And anytime a group has been marginalized, they agitate for change - just as they should.

One more thought: another argument used by Lu's Pharmacy is that they don't have "special knowledge" on trans medical issues. Some members of the trans community have shot back with "what do they need to know, they dispense medication, and aren't doctors." I don't buy this. The fact is that pharmacists are more than just people who give pills to their customers. Being a pharmacist does take specialized knowledge, and often dispense medical advice. Especially for those living in the Downtown Eastside, this can sometimes be their only source of medical advice - indeed, their only source of health care whatsoever, which is exactly why Lu's Pharmacy was created in the first place. However, what pharmacists do not need, is specialized knowledge of transwomens' health issues. The fact is, transwomen have the same health issues as any woman. Many transwomen do just fine with a regular GP, who has no specialized knowledge of trans issues. Many transwomen do just fine with a regular endocrinologist, with no specialized knowledge of trans issues. Many transwomen do fine with a regular gynecologist, with no specialized knowledge of trans issues, and so on. Even the most glaring "difference" - that of hormone treatment - isn't really a difference at all - many menopausal and post-menopausal women take a hormone treatment as well. The medications are the same in both cases, which have the same drug interactions in both trans and ciswomen.

Quite frankly, I'm hoping that Lu's Pharmacy will soon get off their high horse, and include transwomen in their services. I'd like to see *every* transwoman in the GVRD switch to getting all their prescriptions from Lu's Pharmacy. Once they see the volume of transwomen they are turning away, hopefully the leaders will understand the economic reality - that they have yet another niche market that they could be tapping (translation - more revenue!) if they could just drop their exlusive policy...

Deconstructing "Bobbi with an I"

2009-07-16T18:52:18Z

Phil Vassar, of country music fame, has a new song and music video that's just come out (pardon the pun!), called "Bobbi with an I," which portrays a man who goes to a bar in drag. Here's the link to the video, and the lyrics.

On the one hand, it's great to see the subject of drag/trans issues being addressed so neutrally (as the character is portrayed in such a matter-of-fact manner; there's no judgement placed on him, but there's no real need to show support, either) in an arena such as country music.

However, on closer inspection, a few concerns about how Bobbi with an I is portrayed:

Anyone who has read Julia Serano's Whipping Girl will know exactly what I'm talking about here. In the book, Serano divides portrayals of transwomen into two classes: the "pathetic" transwoman, and the "deceptive" transwomen. What's interesting is that while throughout the video Bobbi is portrayed as the "pathetic" archetype (it is made lyrically and, in the case of the music video, very visually obvious, as demontrated by the complete and deliberate lack of makeup, that this is a man dressing up, ultimately for comedic effect), in one part of the chorus ("you'd better watch how much you drink/she might look better than you think"), the portrayal immediately switches to the "deceptive" archetype.

Furthermore, deeply embedded in the two lines is the strong sense of underlying homophobia, as it implies that if one were to find Bobbi sexually attractive it would mean that such a person, presumed to be a man, would be finding another man attractive and thus homosexual (and that's definitely a bad thing in the song's eyes, or the lines wouldn't be couched inside of a warning)! In the video, that homophobia is reinforced by the image of one of the bar patrons shaking his head in disgust and walking away.

Further to this, an underlying current of transphobia is demonstrated in the video prologue, when it's revealed why Bobbi appears at the bar in drag - not necessarily because he might enjoy dressing up, but in fact, it's because it's what it takes for him to get free drinks! Aside from from her appearance, it's clear that he's "just one of the guys," which is also demonstrated in the video by his choice of washroom, the large cigar he smokes, and the way he hits on the women in the bar.

Overcompensation is another underlying theme within the song. Lines such as "A linebacker, a quarterback sacker/Yeahhh Bobbi he's as strong as a mule" and "You never would guess/He benches 335" (as if a woman could never bench that much?) are used in this song to reinforce Bobbi's ultimate masculinity.

It should be noted that, as the lines "He's been known to knock a few teeth out/If you ask him for a beauty tip/So we live and let live" imply, the only reason Bobbi is not teased, assaulted or worse, is because people know that Bobbi will fight back - and win. If Bobbi were less impervious, it's clear that Bobbi would not be so safe from transphobic violence.

Yet transphobic violence is clearly overlooked in this song, at the same time. Bobbi has no fear of being assaulted when she goes in the men's washroom. At worst, a man comes running out screaming "Hey there's a chick in the men's room!" at which point, his warning is dismissed: "We just smile and say/No that's just Bobbi with an I" - were Bobbi less overtly masculine, this would not be the case.

Ultimately this song doesn't do anything to help the trans/queer communities in terms of awareness, as it just builds on age-old stereotypes of trans people, and reinforces the transphobia still embedded into country music culture. I'll give this song and music video a big thumbs down.

On Privilege and Projections

2009-06-12T19:21:10Z

(note: this was originally written by me as a response to a series of transphobic comments made by readers of a queer news blog. I reposted it here because this is a message that needs to be heard and reprinted wherever. Feel free to reprint this article, just remember to give credit for it.)

You know, it's so easy for you [cisgender] people to just look at someone and say you know what gender a person is, isn't it? It doesn't impact you in any way, so you just mosey along without a care. But guess what, you have the privilege of not having to think about your gender. You just are what you are, and you don't have any conflict to deal with.

It's so different for myself or anybody else who is trans. I'm at a point in my life, now that I've succeeded in my transition, where I am at peace with myself and who I am. I continually strive for personal growth like everyone else, but ultimately I am now happy with my gendered life. But, until recently, it wasn't always like that. To have a mind that can't match your physiology is a nightmarish situation that is difficult to escape, and unfortunately all to often the "cure" is perceived as worse than the "disease." Finding my gender was a difficult struggle that almost tore my life apart. The only path to finding that peace was to realize who I really was, inside, a woman.

Yet so many people strive to deny me that right. To project their own opinions about who I am on me. Yet how can anybody else do that? Nobody has my experience in life but myself. Without that crucial bit of evidence, nobody can say who I am but me. Otherwise, if you are free to tell me that I am a man, then I am just as free to tell you who you are - whether I should choose to invalidate your gender, culture, religion, social status or any other aspect of your life.

You stick to your own privilege, and I'll gladly stick to mine. Otherwise, all bets are off.

Switching Sides

2007-11-01T05:19:06Z

Today there are many facets of feminism, from the eary days of suffrage rights, to the days of man-hating lesbian feminism (which sadly is the most associated with feminism in mainstream culture today, despite the fact that it has nearly disappeared), to the "fight for equality", to the many different strands of radical feminism. The history is so long that we look at it in three "waves," the earliest having begun over two centuries ago. Often these different philosophies, which all have the same goal in mind, can't agree on just about anything, and the acceptance of transgender people is no exception.

However, it is clear to me that the acceptance of trans people can only help to further the goals of feminism. First, let's be clear about what the goal is: to eliminate the different and unfair treatment of women in our society. Now let's consider the first case: transwomen. We are the ones who have grown up with male experiences - including "male privelege." Some feminists argue that because of that, and because we don't carry wombs nor can have periods nor carry children, we can't know what being a woman can truely be like. But consider that we are the ones who are giving it all up, to be women. We are willing to give up our male privelege, our reproductive ability, and oftentimes, our health, in order to be women. We are putting ourselves at risk for things such as breast cancer (while still being at risk for others such as prostate cancer), lower wages and even rape. We're the ones who are often willing to have our genitals gutted, carved and turned inside out. We lose friends, jobs, even family. And perhaps most important, having experienced male privelege, we are the ones most acutely aware of what the experience of women is like, because we can contrast it against our experience as men. By the very act of transitioning, we are proclaiming that we are not becoming lesser, but in fact, greater people, for becoming women.

Now, let's consider the second case: transmen. Some of the arguements of the previous paragraph can also be applied to transmen, but I won't reiterate them here. Transmen are often feared to be "leaving the coop," so to speak, in order to seek male privelege. But it's well-established today that the only reason we transition is because we are men already, and we just need to make our bodies match our identities. The same goes for transwomen - we're already women, only with male experience. But transmen have already lived life as women, including the experiences that feminists are trying to eliminate. That means we can take those experiences and relate them to other men. We're the men who are on your side, because we know better!

Finally, let's consider the third case: everyone else that doesn't fit the gender-binary model, that foundation of sexist belief and gender inequality. If we stopped thinking of ourselves as 'men' and 'women,' and simply considered everyone to be 'people,' it would be impossibly for gender inequality to exist. And we are the ones that disprove the gender-binary model we base our society on. Whether we are third-gender, in between, both genders, no gender at all, or even off the map completely, we are the proof that gender is not binary, that not all of us fit one checkbox or another, just by the nature of our own existance. We are the ones who refuse to be defined by what's between our legs. And perhaps that's why society is most scared of us - because we rock the very foundation of society to the core, crushing to bits the established notions that allow sexism and gender inequality to exist in the first place.

sdrawkcaB gnioG

2007-01-18T00:30:07Z

In October, I started taking Spironolactone, a drug intended to curb my testosterone levels. It felt great to be taking a step forward toward my impending femaleness, and as each day passed, I felt myself become more and more at ease. I could enjoy myself more, with less testosterone to exacerbate all the loathed male features. Before long, I even began to notice the slightest bit of man-boob growth... not quite yet actual breast growth, but it felt good nonetheless, as if my body were preparing for the real thing soon. Skin became smoother, and I felt sexier than I've ever felt in my life. I also felt happier, and more confident, enough to even try some dating again. The start of my medical journey toward being female was off to a better-than-expected start!

In December, I found myself dealing with some health issues leaving me tired and dizzy, and, worried that it might have been the Spironolactone that was causing it (coupled with some fear-mongering on the part of my mother), I stopped taking it. And to top it off, I spent my Christmas holidays in forced boymode with my family immediately after stopping.

All at once, my world came crashing down on me. Over the last couple years, as I inched toward my rightful self-expression, the intensity of being male was slowly forgotten. The stress and anxiety was replaced with contentment, and even outright glee. I wasn't yet on top of the world, but I knew I was getting there. I could see the apex, the summit Everest, and kept marching on with force and passion. And after spending 5 months out of contact with my family, even the one place where I remained presenting as Chris couldn't drag me down. And so, over that time, I began to forget the feelings that drove me so hard, that made it neccesary to transition in the first place.

And then, in a matter of days, I got an intense reminder of exactly what I'd let myself forget. The stress. The tension. The anger, the frustration, the pain. Putting myself again in boymode for the family, while allowing my testosterone to shoot back up, I felt this new rush, in ever greater intensities. Desires I don't want to have again, the ones involving my genitals, a knife and a home surgery kit. And with no clear way out of this, my hope is beginning to fade too. Yet I can't accept that I will never be female. I can deal without periods, and I can deal without pregnancy. I can even deal with the childhood lost to my male experience. But I cannot go on living my life this way. I must push forward, before I shrivel up into the shell I used to keep.

So was stopping spiro worth it? My health hasn't got any better. I'm still tired, and I'm dealing with the emotional stuff now, too. Whereas before I missed my family and wanted to be with them, to spend time with them, I now find myself looking at them with anger, that they've fenced me, kept me chained to this male body that I desperately want to escape. I blame them, falsely, for the unspeakable act which - they just haven't committed. Yet stopping spiro has given me a powerfully intense reminder why I need to move forward again and transition. Whereas before I wanted to tread slowly, now I want to move forward with full steam ahead. Bring on the estrogen! I say, so that I can return to happiness, and live my life the way I need to live it. I may have taken one step backwards, but now I'm ready to take two steps forward.

An Answer to the Biggest Question...

2006-07-01T19:59:25Z

...that question being, "Why transition at all?" It's a question echoed by many non-trans people, who don't understand what it is like being trans. Before I start answering this question though, I'd like to start off with a short story to help put things in the proper perspective. Growing up, I had a friend who lives with Cystic Fibrosis. Over and over she's been asked the same question, "What is it like, living with CF?" and she's always answered the same: "I don't know. What's it like not living with it?" While many would perceive such an answer as merely a rude sarcasm, her answer is really the most truthful answer anybody could ever give. The fact is, as much as we may try to understand something, we never will until we experience it ourselves. A non-trans person can't ever truly understand what it's like to be transgendered, just as we can never truly understand what it's like to not be trans. So with that in mind, it's important to realize that I can only answer this question by relating my own experiences; to quote a oft-spoken phrase in the trans community: YMMV - Your Mileage May Vary.

I have this constant sense of frustration. The weird thing is, it's not just some frustration directed at some specific problem, but an overall frustration, a random frustration. There's an overriding sense of tension that I feel non-stop. It's a tension that prevents me from moving forward, that prevents me from performing at my best. It's like there's this wall in front of me, blocking my every effort to function. I can't climb over it. I can't walk around it. It's a wall that's a million metres high, and a million miles wide, and I'm standing in front of this wall, right in the middle.

On the other side of that wall is an image of me - the image of me that everybody else sees. The giant mural that has been painted of me. Only I'm not the artist who painted it. It's one of those grand portraits, showing everybody some great idealized version of me. Only I look at this image and see through all the formality for who I really am. I recognize my own (true) identity. I do not recognize that person in the image of me. But once again, that wall is there, blocking my own true expression from everybody's view.

That wall is built tough, too. It's composed of genetics and biology. It's composed of Testosterone. It's composed of Y chromosomes. It's composed of phalli and testes. And then it's fortified by a layer of my own frustration, my anger at having been given this body, this body that betrays my own identity. It's fortified by my own Sex Drive, the one that tells me my body wants something desperately, even if my mind is saying something completely different. The wall is fortified by my own sexual desire, the one where I can't have the experiences I desire simply because my physiology is different from what I need to function sexually.

This wall is a great inhibitor, inhibiting me from expressing my true feelings. Behind the wall, I feel everything, from frustration to jealousy to sadness. But there that image lays on the other side, that stoic image that's been painted on - that artificial image. That image, again reinforced by the testosterone in the paint, when it shows any emotion at all, it shows only anger. I often sit, alone, wanting to cry, wanting to express the hurt, the betrayal my own body gives me. But that wall even blocks my own tear ducts from performing their function.

And then there's the glue that holds the wall together. That glue is the irony - the more I do try to express what I feel, the stronger the wall pushes back. The higher it stands, the wider it grows, the harder it becomes to express myself. Ultimately, I feel a complete sense of wrongness about my body and the image of my body that the wall portrays. Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me. Sometimes when I walk I can feel the gentle swaying of my non-existant breasts as I move. When I go to the bathroom, I feel the non-existant labia part to allow the urine to pass through. In my dreams, I feel the soft skin, the sense of calm, the ability to shed a tear.

But now the wall is changing, breaking down. I finally have the strength to pick up my sledgehammer and start to tear down this hated wall. People are finally seeing through that stoic mural painted of someone else and are finally beginning to see the real me. Buit the wall is changing, fighting back. It's throwing pieces of itself at me, in my face. Taunting me, telling me I can never tear it down completely. It's changing form. moving away. It's rebuilding itself, away from me, surrounding loved ones instead of myself, so that I can't get at it, can't damage it any further. It's surrounding my loved ones, preventing them from seeing the change, from seeing the real me that I'm finally starting to be able to express. It's plugging the holes I have worked so hard to create.

But I have my secret weapons. Spironolactone. Estrogen. And perhaps the most important of all, Confidence. The spiro will weaken that wall, weaken it from the inside by eliminating the testosterone that builds the wall so strong. Estrogen will change it again, breaking down the solidity of the wall, allowing me to express myself more freely. Estrogen will allow my tear ducts to function again. And finally Confidence will give me the strength to pick up that sledgehammer again, and again. Confidence will give me a voice, allowing me to shout so loudly that those on the other side can hear me. Confidence will give me the muscular strength I need to take the sledgehammer to the wall, to tear down that wall, once and for all.

How the Religious Right is destroying the sanctity of Marriage

2006-05-25T20:42:00Z

The Religious Right purports that by trying to define marriage as “the union of a man and a woman to the exclusion of all others,” they are 'saving' the sanctity of marriage. Let's get some definitions down, first. By attempting to preserve the 'sanctity' of marriage, what the Religious Right is really trying to do is preserve marriage as a time-honoured, cherished tradition bonding two people by right of love. By their reasoning, any time a marriage is not kept honoured, then it has been desanctified. The Religious Right's definition of marriage, quoted above, is intended to, in simple terms, ensure that marriage can only apply to opposite-sex/heterosexual couples.

The Religious Right also assumes that anytime two people who have any sort of sexual relationship outside of marriage, is also desanctifying marriage, since to them they are performing “the acts of marriage” outside of an actual marriage. This means that all you gay and/or lesbian couples out there, or all you straight couples out there fornicatin' away are desecrating the sanctity of marriage.

Now I'm going to say something that might shock you: the Religious Right – is right. At least, they're partially right. Marriage is a cherished bond between two committed life partners. That much is clear. But what the Religious Right hasn't clued into yet is how they're destroying the very thing they are trying to save.

The thing is, the Religious Right assumes that every single one of us is the same – that we're all the type of person who want the whole romantic package: settling down with a nice spouse [that is of course, the opposite sex], making babies, and raising a family. And to that end, when they see that we're not all like that, they try to pigeonhole us into it so they can claim they're still right. But such is not our nature. The whole nature of humanity is that we are different. Some of us indeed do want this for ourselves.

And then there are some of us that don't. And for the some of us that don't, we choose (correctly) to not get married. That way, we can go about fucking our lovers to our hearts' content, and never have to do anything that would damage the sanctity of marriage, because we never entered into one in the first place. So for the many of us who wish to remain unmarried, but still fool around, have lovers, even engage in polyamorous relationships, we can steer clear of marriage and leave it to those that do want it. In the end, it doesn't make us 'bad' people, it makes us better because in the end we're still keeping the sanctity of marriage by not getting married.

So what about all the same-sex partners who do love each other and want to share their bond in marriage? Go for it! You're not destroying the sanctity of marriage because you're a same-sex couple, you're preserving it once again. The fact is that barring loving same-sex couples from marriage makes marriage an exclusive “heterosexuals-only” club – which once again desanctifies marriage, because some of those loving couples who share an intimate bond are being denied that special communion with each other.

And don't get me started on queer folk who marry straight folk so they can live in the closet. Somehow some members of the Religious Right think that by compelling gay and lesbian people to marry an opposite sex partner will “cure” them, and unfortunately some of us fall for it. However, marrying someone when you don't share that intimate bond will of course desanctify that marriage.

If the Religious Right wants to preserve the sanctity of marriage, they need to think long and hard about what really makes a marriage holy. And then, let's change marriage accordingly so that those who do wish to honour the sanctity of marriage can do so and those who don't, won't or can't, don't feel societally obligated to enter into a marriage anyway.

Some Roses Have Really Sharp Thorns...

2006-01-29T07:41:01Z

Shakespeare's famous line from Romeo and Juliet speaks volumes about what a name can mean. To Romeo, it meant nothing, the name Capulet was just another label, a way to identify Juliet, or more specifically, her family. Romeo ended up not caring that she was a Capulet, he only saw Juliet. But the play exposes to us just how important a name can mean to somebody. Romeo was a Montague. Even though he'd done nothing to hurt the Capulets himself, long before he slew Mercutio, he was hated by the Capulet family, for his name.

We as trans individuals, share in the struggle of Romeo and Juliet, the struggle to make it clear just what our names mean - and what they say about who we are. I myself struggled with my name before I chose it - I toyed with a number of different names. I started with a feminization of my old boy name, but somehow it didn't fit. I toyed with a number of different girl names, some that I thought were very pretty - but only Emily matched.

So you see, a name can mean a lot to a person, and calling someone the wrong name can be hurtful. I know many a trans person who wish to keep their old names to themselves, so when that name is outted, they're pissed - and deeply hurt too. Being referred to as a name that reflects another gender is humiliating. It's almost as bad as saying you're not a real man because you don't have a dick. If you care about someone, whether as a friend or something more, who is transgendered, you should have enough respect for your friend to address her by their proper name, especially in the presence of others.

Romeo made his statement about what a name can mean. The only problem is, he was wrong, and he died because of his error. So next time you want to hang out with your transgendered friend, why not think twice before calling your Capulet a Montague.

The Pendulum (& the Wrecking Ball)

2006-01-13T02:54:34Z

Queer society is coming of age. We've moved from the 19th century, a time when all you could do was keep your relationships a secret, to the 21st, where "queer" can mean almost anything at all. Then, there were simply "the homosexuals" - the ones who were bizarrely attracted to members of the same sex only. Today we recognize so much more than that: butches, femmes, trannies, doms, subs, intersex and even the polygendered. And yet, what is perhaps the most common is also often the most misunderstood, by queer and straight people alike: bisexuality.

One common misconception is that one can only be attracted to one gender, one that is often supported by science. Most medical research today indicates that bisexuals still tend to react physically to only one gender. But while that may be true, the most powerful sex organ is our brain, and we now understand that we're not attracted to a person for their genitals - if that were the case, we'd almost never get attracted to one another, since we rarely ever see them before! No, we're attracted instead to the person inside, their inner identity. Even the most hard-core gay man, lesbian or straight person can be attracted to someone beyond their professed orientation, and the reason that happens is because the person they're attracted to matches the qualities they look for in a partner.

Perhaps the root cause of this problem is in it's name. Along the way toward this coming of age, we've learned so much about ourselves that we've had to expand our definition of sexuality to include multiple genders, sub-orientations and shifting gender identities. We've understood that there are fetishists who get off on all sorts of different fantasies regardless of their orientation. We've discovered "Po(st)Mo(dern)Sexuals," people so-called because they've opted to not recognize personal labels at all (the irony being that "Pomosexual" itself is a label). We've matured beyond the need to put everyone in neat little boxes. The term 'bisexual' undoes that progress.

Now before you go interpreting this as an attack on bisexuality, let me inform you I call myself bisexual. Simply put, I am attracted to both men and women, which clearly meets the definition of the term. But if that's all you think it means to me, then you're missing the point. While some bisexual people are in fact, limited in their attraction to the two standard genders, I, along with many others, can be attracted to people that don't fit in those boxes. And like it or not, these people are more common than we'll ever realize. This is why I prefer the new term "pansexual."

Even within the queer community, bisexuality is the last great orientation to be recognized. Still many out-and-proud gay men and lesbians decry bisexuality as a "sham" - insisting that one can only be either gay or straight, and still others deny that bisexuality is an orientation at all. Some are blasted for "fence-sitting" or for hiding behind bisexuality to get the best of both hetero- and homosexual society. These are valid concerns, though while there may be a few people who do this, I don't believe there is anything wrong with that. Everyone should have the freedom to be who they need to be, as long as they aren't harming anyone, and fence-sitting just does not harm anyone, whether it be the person themselves, or the queer community at large.

The bisexual community is in itself very diverse. For some of us, gender is completely irrelevant when choosing potential partners: it's not that we're 50/50 or we can't make up our minds, but we simply don't care what gender our partner is. We can love a man just as equally as we can a woman (or anyone in between). For others, we see the value in partners of more than one specific gender. In this case, one may or may not have a preference toward a specific gender. One may be attracted 50/50 to either gender, or one may have some degree of preference. We may range from 99/1 to 1/99%. Or we may attracted specifically to transgendered individuals of one or more specific types. Or we may have some combination of preferences.

Ultimately, bisexual and pansexual people are often misunderstood because we apply our understanding of ourselves to our understanding of others. Those who have understand why dick is better than pussy, or vice versa, can have difficulty seeing the merits of either. To that end, keeping an open mind is key to being able to tie the bisexual community closer to the greater queer community.

Truth and Consequences

2005-11-04T06:59:05Z

Recently a friend of mine has discovered my history as Chris. This is a friend who until now has only known me as Emily, and was previously unaware of my birth gender. This is a good friend, someone I value greatly. Before I write any further, I apologize for not telling you of my past and I apologize if this has now created mistrust between us. I hope any mistrust may be repaired soon through much dialogue.

Disclosure is a powerful act, much like suicide. Like suicide, once the act has been completed, it can never be undone. And also like suicide, it's consequences can be devastating. Unlike suicide however, the consequences aren't always devastating. Whatever the consequences of disclosure are, one thing does remain constant: they are unpredictable. I have had conservative Christians wish me well on my journey, and I have had fellow transitioners tell me that I shouldn't be doing this. You never know what to expect with disclosure, the act of coming out.

Disclosure about sexual orientation is an act that most often can be decided by the GLB person themselves. Or they can decide to remain in the closet. They may have a partner of 20 or even 50 years that they may keep private. For many, it's easier this way, for remaining in the closet may prevent shame or even violence. When a person is forcibly outted, the effects can be especially harsh.

For transgendered people, disclosure is interesting. Unlike GLB people, we have no choice but to disclose, once we reach that eerie phase where we begin living in our new gender, but not yet fully passable. Then, later on as we begin our new lives and meet new people, we often return to the closet - this time about our past lives. Often when our trans status is revealed at this point, we are no longer viewed as "real" men or women, and are accordingly treated as imposters. So we feel compelled to "go stealth" and not reveal our pasts. Some even go "deep stealth," where not even our lovers, our most intimate partners can know. The desire to be seen and treated as a normal person is a powerful one.

Often we are driven by fear, and disclosure is no different. There is the fear of being unaccepted, ostracized, hated and even attacked or killed. The Transgender Day of Rememberance is coming up (20 November), where all transgender murder victims within the past year are honoured and remembered. There are marches and rallies worldwide for the minority gorup who, proportionally, have the most victims of any minority. So when we choose not to disclose, it may even be for our own safety.

Reality is an intriguing concept, since it has by definition, a global scope. That is, "reality" is supposed to be real for everyone. But it's not always like that. People around me need to face the reality that I am a girl. That is, for those who knew me as Chris, they need to recondition themselves to treat me as Emily. In the meantime, I need to face the reality that I am [biologically] male. That is, that I can never have a uterus, or ovaries, I can never experience a period, and can never get pregnant nor feel the joy of giving birth, or that I grew up male and all my childhood experiences are male.

The truth is, I am a girl. The truth is, I was a boy. The truth is, I was always Emily. The truth is, I wasn't Emily until I chose that name a year and a a half ago. It sounds contradictory, but each statement is in fact true. So if you are reading this (and you know who you are), please understand that I never once lied to you about who I am. This is not a defence, for I still did not disclose to you my past. But please understand that while I may have indeed been Chris for some some time, I have always been, and always will be...

Emily

New Year, New Start

2005-01-05T02:09:47Z

It's 2005 and people everywhere are making their resolutions for the year. Oh, we can make our resolutions any time, but now's the perfect time to get us motivated. One of mine is to keep updating this journal. I stopped last year soon after I started, when I found myself suddenly looking for a new place to live. Everything's getting back on top however, and I'm ready to keep writing. Good thing too, 'cause I felt really good about writing. New Years are new starts. Last year was a new start for me, as I learned to accept myself and allow my emerging identity to grow. I've grown from a quiet, withdrawn boy to a vibrant, expressive and friendly girl. I've moved out of my parent's place, and now I'm ready to face this new year with optimism. I've gained a name, a new personality and a new identity. Now it's time to get ready to show the world! 2005 can be a new start for me too. Already I've resolved to be more assertive, especially with my family. I've aslo resolved to finish school. Due to a failed course, I'll be finishing school over the summer and graduating in the fall. Since I've also resolved to wait on transitioning until I graduate, it's likely that not much will happen for me on the gender front. I have resolved, however, to start counselling, in order to be ready for hormone therapy by the time I finish. This year, however, I can focus more on being myself, letting my feminine self emerge more despite my male body. Time to get past those fears of what people will think of me, and just enjoy myself!

Why does it matter?

2004-09-19T20:08:35Z

Queer folk all over Canada have something to celebrate. Manitoba legalized same-sex marriage this past week. Manitoba is now the 4th province to do so, after the Yukon became the first territory to legalize same-sex marriage this summer. On top of that, a judge refused to nullify the same-sex marriages that the mayor of New Paltz, New York officiated this past summer. We also have to realize the fight's not over yet. The voters of Louisiana voted 78% in favour of a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage. Eighteen other states have a similar constitutional amendment on the ballot this November.

Despite our push for same-sex marriage, many people in the queer community actually are against it. The reason for this is that some of us feel that marriage is a 'straight' institution that we should stay away from. However, that shouldn't mean that everybody in the queer community should be denied the right to marry if they so choose.

And that's what the heart of the issue is. We don't just want the right to marry our partners, we want to be considered as equal in the eyes of the law. Once our right is denied, we no longer are equal citizens. And "separate-but-equal" gay unions won't cut it, either - because in reality, "separate-but-equal" never really works.

Of course, the religious right is telling us that if we permit gay and lesbian couples to marry , that we'd be changing the fundamental meaning of marriage for the first time ever. To that I say BULLSHIT! Marriage started as a legal contract - and nothing more. It was simply the transfer of a woman from the property of the father, to the property of the husband. Marriage itself started as a way of keeping women under control.

I don't know about you, but that personally makes me sick. To think that for thousands of years, we've treated our most intimate partners as property. Over time of course, marriage became more than simply the transfer of property. Around the 17th century, marriage was idealized into something about love. That's how the romantic era began.

So if marriage has changed to be about love, and that's what the religious right wants to preserve, then it seems to me that permitting gay and lesbian couples to marry would help achieve just that. We commit ourselves to love just like straight couples do. Denying our right to express our love only demoralizes marriage, not preserve it.

The religious right also conveniently seems to forget about all the straight divorces that occur now - 50% of all marriages now end this way. And let's not forget Britney Spears' 72-hour marriage. So far, I've seen straight people demoralize marriage far more than any gay couple ever have.

One final note that I want to make: a lot of married (straight) couples feel threatened personally by same-sex marriage. They often feel like their marriage will be somehow lessened by gay marriage - which isn't the case at all. The only thing that defines your marriage is your marriage. If your marriage is a happy, wonderful success, then that's what it is, and no other marriage, gay nor straight, is going to do any damage to that. Only you can damage your own marriage, and only by neglecting it yourselves.

Identity: Playing Politics with yourself

2004-09-13T19:45:08Z

Identity is a mysterious thing, isn't it? We tend to believe that our identity is immutable - that it cannot change. We are who we are, and that's that. We were born that way, we live that way, and we eventually will die that way. We've been living a lie.

Identity IS mutable; we can change our identity. In fact, we do this unconsciously as every second passes. Kate Bornstein of "My Gender Workbook" puts it in a much better way: "We are a different person now than we were ten minutes ago, and we will yet again be a different person ten minutes from now." This is because everything we experience influences our identity in subtle ways (and sometimes in not-so-subtle ways too).

The perfect example is a class. You're sitting there, learning something from the teacher. The knowledge that you are gaining will be with you from then until it's forgotten. In the time that you haven't forgotten it, it will invariably influence other actions and experiences. That knowledge has now become a part of your identity. Forgetting that knowledge again influences your identity, in the same way as learning it in the first place did.

I personally have some experience traveling the world. These trips have each influenced me in many ways. Each has had an impact on my life; each has had an impact on my identity. In fact, it was a significant event that occurred on one of these trips that cause a chain reaction leading to my realization of being transgendered.

Gender is a key component of identity, just as is sexual orientation or cultural background. However, it must be kept in mind that gender, just like any other component of identity, is just that: a component. You are not defined by your gender, just like you are not defined by your culture or sexual orientation. I am not simply Transgendered. I am Emily, a transgendered woman with a European cultural background who is bisexual and has had many experiences with traveling and is a university student and is... you get the picture. But how you present yourself does a lot to determine your identity. It determines whether you are a macho or a sissy, a butch or a femme. It defines your demeanor, how you interact with members of any gender, and how you carry yourself in public.

Identity gets even more complex when it is realized that your identity is different for each person who interacts with you. My identity to my family is only that of 'Chris,' my male persona. They have never seen me identified as Emily, and for now I intend to keep it that way. Likewise, you as readers (except for those who know me personally) have never met 'Chris.' You know me only as Emily, which is a completely different identity from 'Chris,' despite the fact that 'Chris' and Emily are both the same person, with the same personality. And those of you who knew me as 'Chris,' you are lucky enough to see even more of my identity, where parts of both 'Chris' and Emily are a part of my identity.

After all this discussion of what makes up identity, it begs the question, "What is Identity, anyway?" Well, identity is simply who you are. Identity is how you make yourself identifiable against other people; it's what makes you different from others. Identity is also how you make yourself identifiable alongside other people; it's what makes you the same as others. I might as well stick up a huge sign that reads "Caution: Duality at Play Here" because it's what makes Identity so complex. Identity is anything that helps define who you are as an individual or part of a group.

We define and redefine our identities everyday. With every decision we make, we are making changes to our identity. Yet we don't necesarily control our own identity. Each decision we make leads to events (influences) that act upon our identities. We cannot predict what these influences will be. However, we also have the power to act in certain ways so that we are perceived differently by others. My behaviour around my family is scripted in such a way that they only see 'Chris.' Around those who know me as Emily, my behaviour is different, some of it scripted, some of it not. I am essentially playing politics with who I am.

There are some key parts of our identity that are innate; that is we were born this way and on the inside, this is how we must define ourselves. This is why transgendered people struggle so much with their gender identity. Because our (innate) gender identity doesn't match the way we were identified at birth (which carries throughout our life until we transition), we feel like we are phonies, or actors wearing masks. We feel trapped within our own bodies, unable to get out until we change our outer identity to match our inner identity.

For most of us, changing our outer identity means physically changing our bodies as well as how we present ourselves, and some of us need to go to the point where we need to change the parts that nobody but our most intimate partners see. Otherwise, this incongruency between our inner and outer identities will always cause us pain. We will continue to have anxiety, we will continue to feel trapped, and we will continue to feel like phonies. Anyone who has ever lived any of these experiences (whether gender-related or not) will be able to tell you just how debilitating these experiences can be.

On the way Out

2004-09-05T19:45:30Z

One of the most commonly posed questions by parents (and friends) when their child comes out to them is, "Why can't my child be queer without showing the rest of the world?" These are the parents who encourage their child to "act straight" or to hide the fact that they are queer, despite being accepting of their child's sexual orientation or gender identity. This question is often motivated by fear, for the sake of their child ("oh my god, my child's going to end up ridiculed or bashed") or for the sake of themselves ("what are people going to think of me if they know I've raised a queer person?"). The best we can do is try to help our parents to understand why me must come out of the closet.

Invariably, when we hide who we truly are, we lower our self-worth. Lies build up and catch up to us. The tension I felt before coming out as bisexual to my parents was so great that I ended up blurting it out unknowingly in the middle of an argument. I actually felt a great relief, like I had taken the world off my shoulders, even before I realized what I had just said. When it finally dawned on me what I had just told my parents, I was wowed because I had been expecting to feel even more tense from the need to deal with coming out.

I once thought, like so many others, that by staying in the closet I was protecting myself. As long as I'm not visibly queer, I thought, I'd never have to worry about being bashed. I'd never have to listen to 'fag' comments, or to be told I should burn in hell. But the truth was, I was still visible, in ways I still don't even know. I would hear a preacher on television shouting how we would be condemned by Jesus, and I knew he was talking about me. I count myself lucky that I haven't been bashed yet. Staying in the closet hasn't protected me from all the issues of being queer.

Coming out, however, has protected me. It's protected me from feeling ashamed of who I am. It's protected me from the need to lie about myself or to whom I'm attracted. Most importantly, it's protected me from me. When you're in the closet, you're constantly aware of every little thing you do that has the potential to out you. You have to watch your language (ever catch yourself say "my b- GIRLfriend...?"), your mannerisms (despite not believing in stereotypes, those limp wrists say a lot), and even your thoughts (freudian slip, anyone?)

However, one myth that many straight people (and some queer people who haven't come out yet) hold as true is that once you're out, you're out. As if coming out was something you did once, and then everybody knew. The truth is vastly more complex than that. We have to come out - again, and again - once to each person we know. We have to come out individually to each friend, to each family member, to each coworker. And when you're like me, both bisexual and transgendered, it can create a situation where you need to come out to the same person twice.

If a person is uncomfortable when you come out to them, or if you are uncomfortable with talking to them, you might not tell them everything either. A friend of mine told his mother that he was gay, but left out mentioning his boyfriend for another 6 months after that. Usually having someone come out to you can be overwhelming, and often it's best not to tell everything right away. Information is best given over time. Coming out, even to a single person, no longer simply happens in one moment.

Today it is better understood that coming out is not an event or a series of events, but a process. A queer person may be partially out, as is the case for me, and a person may be out to some people but not others (also the case with me). A queer person could even go back into the closet, either by moving and finding a new circle of acquaintances who don't yet know, or by going back and denying that they were in fact queer in the first place (the latter being much more difficult to achieve).

It's less understood that non-queer people have their own coming-out process to experience. This occurs as soon as they learn that a friend or family member is queer. They may feel the need to hide the fact that they are close to someone who is queer. Thus, they are "in the closet" themselves. At some point, however, if they haven't accepted their friend, they will need to talk to someone about it in order to cope. In most cases they will eventually accept their friend, and be able to be open about having a queer friend. To queer people who have just come out to family - my advice is to be patient. Like you, they're experiencing their own coming out process which is equally or possibly even more difficult as your own coming out process is. Give them the time they need to come to terms with it, just as you needed time to come to terms with being queer yourself. Your family will come around if you help make their coming-out process easier too.

Clothes make the Womyn?

2004-08-31T09:28:31Z

Ok guys, gals, and everyone in between, my initial hiatus is over and let the columning begin! I've given some thought to the format I want to use; my goal is to write 2 columns per week, one related specifically to gender issues and one related generally to queer issues. Again I can't guarantee consistency, but being back in school is going to go a long way toward keeping this blog going. I hope I get to hear your thoughts on my writings too, so keep the comments coming.

Yesterday I spent the day in a leadership training session. In that environment, I am not out as a transgendered person. At times, it can be difficult to keep from expressing my feminine self; this time was no different. I should have been able to concentrate easily - but I sat through a 7-hour training session counting every second. I wanted out; I wanted to go where I could express myself as Emily.

I finally got my chance after the session ended. I headed straight to the nearest mall and went shopping. What did I buy? A black skirt, a lovely (strapless, now I'll need a strapless bra to go with it) red dress and a new pair of panties. Then, I beelined to the nearest washroom stall (found a gender-neutral one - yay!) and tried them on. All at once, all my anxiety, all my tension disappeared. For the first time that day (indeed the first time in a while), I looked in the mirror and saw my true self. Putting on these clothes, I felt an immediate cathartic release of pressure that had been building up over the course of a week. Then not five minutes later, as quickly as I had started, I put it all away and went back to wearing my 'drag' (boy) clothes.

At first I felt great; my tension was gone, I had felt the joy of self-expression once again. However, the tension slowly built up again. I arrived home, where I had the house to myself, so I immediately put my new clothes back on. It amazed me how quickly the anxiety left my body.

So why is it that for transfolk, even the simple act of wearing clothes normally associated with our 'true' gender make us feel better about ourselves? The release that I felt was almost like a sexual release; does that mean that this is simply some sort of fetish? And does wearing womyn's clothes or appearing as a womyn actually make us womyn?

To start answering these questions, we need to explore the origin of the initial conflict. Many transgendered folk explain that they feel like their minds and their bodies do not match each other, or that they are a woman trapped in a man's body (and vice versa for FtM's). Such is my case. I could personally describe it as being claustrophobic of your own body. As with any phobia, this feeling produces strong feelings of anxiety.

But, that doesn't explain how clothes can help release this anxiety. After all, it's a conflict with one's body, not with their appearance or their wardrobe. Clothes do provide, however, a means of expressing such conflict, just as cutters feel a need to express their mental anguish through physical pain. Expression of a conflict allows for a release of energy, where such energy was previously going into anxietal fears. The expression of one's mind/body conflict through clothes is a healthy way for transfolk to ease their anxiety.

Many of you might then want to argue that if clothes are a solution to the problem, then transfolk should limit themselves to "crossdressing" (in quotes because we don't necessarily consider it such). The difficulty with this solution is that, to use a medical metaphor, it only slows down the symptoms. The cause of the problem is left to fester. Only by getting at the root of the problem can one truly solve it.

The second question requires some understanding of how it feels to 'crossdress.' For many, crossdressing is a form of fetish. Of course, there's the classic image of a closeted man masturbating in lacey panties. However, these people are not transgendered - merely transvestites. Transvestites are people for whom crossdressing is purely about the clothes they wear, and the context is usually (but not always) sexual. This isn't to say, however, that transvestites are perverts who make the world difficult for transgendered folk like myself. Transvestites cannot hurt anyone simply by wearing clothes of another gender. If clothes are their thing, then all the power to them.

For transgendered folk, the feeling is much more commonly about comfort - about who you are and how you present yourself. For an MtF transwoman, presenting themselves in 'boy mode' can be a living nightmare. They can feel like they're living a lie, and usually, lies (especially big ones like who one is) catch up to you. Wearing feminine clothing (or masculine, for an FtM) is a chance to present one's self more accurately - you're no longer living that lie, if even briefly.

I personally feel like I'm wearing a giant mask when I'm out in 'boy mode.' Only the mask is not just covering my face, it's covering me. People don't get to see the real me when I'm 'Chris.' They only ever see the real me when I'm Emily. So by the time I get a chance to dress up in my favorite skirt and top, I feel such a massive sense of relief when I can take off that mask finally. And while it is such a huge release for me, it is not sexual. It's merely comforting to me to wear what I want to wear, and to be able to present the real me, as Emily.

So how does dressing feminine make me a womyn? Well, let's introduce a little bit of modern gender theory here. Male and Female are terms referring to biological sex. Sounds easy to define, either you got a pole or you got a hole there. But again it's not that simple. There are people out there with intersex conditions - meaning they were born with ambiguous genitalia, or biological features that exhibit properties of both sexes (such as breast development on a person with a full beard).

Next is Man and Woman. Normally we think of these terms as being synonymous with Male and Female, respectively, but such is not the case in modern gender theory. Women and Men are defined entirely by how they are perceived by society [their peers]. Thus, it really becomes a lot about stereotypes and preconceived notions about gender. What is interesting is that one may be perceived as male in one culture, but female in another. Therefore, if clothes cause you to be perceived as a womyn when in fact you are biologically male, you are still a woman.

Feminine and Masculine are yet another pair of terms that need to be defined. These two terms are based more on behaviour and personality, though they can be applied to perceptions as well. The butch/femme and macho/nelly dichotomies are queer-community equivalents to these terms. What is interesting is that the terms Man and Woman are typically considered binary; that is, one can only be one or the other (in truth, this doesn't always hold true, we transgendered folk are the prime example!). Feminine and Masculine, however are more like two points on a continuum. One can be a little bit masculine and very feminine, and yet still be a man, or one can be all macho (butch), and be a woman.

Today's society typically views gender as binary. However, when we look deep down into ourselves, none of us are strictly masculine or strictly feminine - that is impossible. We all have our little idiosyncrasies where we transcend gender boundaries. Many of us do this in subtle ways that isn't even noticeable, or may be considered 'acceptable.' But, there are many of us who transcend gender boundaries in much bigger ways - including the need to cross clothing boundaries, or even cross biological boundaries via medical procedures.

First post; A little about myself

2004-08-21T19:23:17Z

Hey all,

My name is Emily, and yes, I am queer. Queer, queer, queer, queer, and queer! I am fucking proud to be able to call myself Queer. I'm Queer, and don't you forget it!

Now that I have emphatically declared myself as queer, why the hell am I calling this LiveJournal "Straight Talk?" The answer is simple: I'm fed up with meeting too many straight people who don't know the first thing about what it means to be queer. However, I don't want to use this as a ranting forum against all you heteros out there - I want to do something positive with this journal and build a bridge between us. It's my hope that straight people can read this journal to learn something about being queer, and in return, I hope that some of you straight readers can leave comments that can help us queer people learn something about being straight - because as much as we'd like to say we know what it's like living in a straight world, let's be honest. We're here, we're Queer, and we were born that way. We haven't lived a single straight day in our lives, so how could we possibly understand what it's like to be straight?! So let's build that bridge, people, one span at a time.

Before I continue, I must make a bit of a disclaimer here, just so that I don't have the whole straight world and half the queer world at my throat... What I write is purely my thoughts and opinions on these issues, no matter how hard I try to claim that I am right. I am NOT right, nor am I wrong. I am simply voicing my thoughts in an attempt to reach across the boundaries of sexual orientation and gender identity.

In order to understand my writings, you're going to need to understand a little about myself to understand why I write what I write. Otherwise, while you'll be able to get most of what I'm talking about, some of it will be lost on you. If you feel like you're missing something in my posts, you can always come back to this post to see if it helps. So here I am, opened up for all to see!

My name is Emily (yes, I know I said it once before, but I needed a good segue...), and I am queer. What do I mean by 'queer' you ask? Good question. 'Queer' can mean just about anything or nothing at all in the queer community. It can mean gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, transsexual, two-spirited, bigendered, genderqueer, or a whole other slew of identities. It can even just mean simply 'queer,' with no other specific identity attached to itself. For many in the queer world, it's an umbrella term meant to be inclusive of everyone who is a part of the queer community. A lot of straight people use the term derogatorily toward us. Within the queer community itself, however, we're reclaiming it back and using it positively (remember 'umbrella term?'). You have my permission to use the term 'queer' in your comments, as long as you don't use it in a negative way.

I personally prefer the term 'queer' to identify myself because I cannot find another identity that describes me so perfectly. Why, you ask? Well, in sexual orientation and gender identity terms, I'm a mutt. Part gay, part lesbian, part guy, part girl. Hell, I'm even part straight. I suppose bisexual and bigendered could work, but that's assuming I even adhere to binary concepts of gender and sexual orientation. The truth is, I'm completely off the map here. Born a male, I am finally discovering my inner girl. I may or may not transition fully (to being female, with all the parts) later in life, I will figure that out as I embark on this quest of self-exploration. However, I don't see gender in terms of male vs. female; I see it in terms of, "how feminine am I, and how masculine am I, and how can I express the two in perfect harmony as it applies to my personal identity." Feminine and Masculine are simply two reference points on a wide spectrum of genders. If you're having trouble understanding this, that's ok. You're allowed to be confused. Hell, you better be allowed, because it's confusing to me too! See, even though this has always been a part of who I am, I really only 'discovered' it less than a year ago (By 'discovered' I mean 'stopped suppressing'). But essentially, I have no gender, I am simply between genders.

As you may have figured out by now, Emily is not my 'real' name. Personally I consider 'Emily' to be just as real a name to me as my legal name, which I am not going to post on here. If you know who I am, then please don't reveal my 'real' name to anyone, and if you don't know who I am, then don't ask me to reveal my 'real' name because I'm not gonna. So, what's in a name? Well, nothing and everything at the same time. A name is nothing more than a label, and labels mean nothing to me anymore. A name is just a way to identify myself over everyone else around me. However, the name that one chooses speaks volumes about who one is. Take 'Emily' for example. The name 'Emily' says to everyone that I have a female identity. I've been using this name for about 6 months now, among my friends who know about my gender issues. To everyone else I am 'Chris' (not my real name, just a name used to represent my male self). Yes, for the most part I am in the closet about my gender identity. BTW, while 'Chris' is just an alias to cover my real name, 'Emily' is a name that I use daily, so it can be considered my 'real' name. On this journal, I will expect you to call me Emily in any of your comments, with the possible exception that you are referring specifically to the masculine side of who I am, in which case you may call me 'Chris,' though I do not consider it to be my name.

As for my sexual orientation, I am for the most part out of the closet about that. I don't go out of my way to make it publicly visible, but if it's brought up in conversation, I'm not making any effort to hide it, either. Since you're going to need to know my sexual orientation to understand what I write, I will put it out here for all to know. I am pansexual. What is 'pansexual?' It's bisexual acknowledging the existence of more than two genders. No, it doesn't mean that I want to sleep with everybody. It simply means that I have the potential to be attracted to anybody, irregardless of gender. I still prefer a monogamous relationship, I just don't care if you're female, male, or anything else. Actually, since my own gender is unclear, it's kinda hard to apply an identity like 'gay' or 'straight' or 'lesbian' because they all require a reference to your own gender in the first place. I'm gay, lesbian, and straight all at the same time, and yet I am none of the above.

Ok, so by now I'm sure you've all noticed the common theme resonating across the last few paragraphs. If not let me explain. It's the (highly confusing) concept of duality. I've got one foot in the world of guys, and one foot in the world of girls. One foot in the gay/lesbian world, and one foot in the straight world. Yet despite having two more feet than I can count, I don't fully fit in with any of the above. I can't claim to understand what it's like to live in any of the above-mentioned worlds. I can only claim to understand what it's like to be me. So yeah, I'm a big fan of duality, it seems to fit me very nicely. You'll find that the more I write, the more you'll find this concept throughout my writings.

My hope is that this journal will be much like some sort of "Dear Abby" newspaper column about queer issues. Not that I'm giving advice here, or am even qualified to do so, but I do want to write this in the style of a newspaper column - with one major exception - it needs to be raw and unedited. The only parts I'm ever going to fix up here are spelling mistakes (I can be very anal-retentive about my English). However, what I write is meant to reflect my immediate thoughts and opinions. It's pure, raw, and emotional. If I ever start to box myself in, then please give me a virtual slap across the face. (I said virtual... not physical!) I'm also going to include a dictionary of sorts, made in a comment after each post. I will be providing definitions of terms that I use in order that you are clear about what I am talking about. I strongly encourage you to comment, whether it may be your own beef, thought or opinion, or simply to say hello. You can also use the comments page to request a definition that I haven't included (because I will forget, or think a term is clear when it isnt). Remember, they're not official definitions, they're simply how I understand and use each word. Because I am personally affected by transgender issues, you're going to see the transgender issues overrepresented here - no matter how hard I try to balance my topics, I'm still going to be talking a hell of a lot about trans and gender issues. Just keep that in mind, please. I do promise that I will make an effort, however, to keep a healthy amount of general gay/lesbian/bisexual issues that are not trans/gender related.

As I've said before, I'm still partially in the closet (particularly to my family), and although I have 24/7 internet access, my ability to post here may be a bit erratic. (Hey, I have a life, too!) I'm not going to establish a M/W/F or weekly pattern or anything like that, I'll just post when I can. Please understand that, and be patient if you've been waiting a long time for my next post.

Some final words before I go: with everything said, I'm going to enjoy doing this. And I do get something out of it; I get the satisfaction of knowing that I'm helping people to understand queer issues and that I'm building a bridge between our two worlds. I'll leave you to sit on what I've said today; give you some time to let it sink in and get to know me. I'll post the first 'column' at the next chance I get.

Luv you all,
Emily